Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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