now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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