I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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