Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
