I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
