It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dignity is for republicans.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
