If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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