hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
