How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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