First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
so let's talk penis.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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