why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
