i wish my penis had a tongue
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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