so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
