If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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