I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
