OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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