Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We need a shit load of segways right now
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
