he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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