so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
