I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
