Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
