i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
