he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
