I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
