i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
