I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
My vagina is very pro this idea
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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