I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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