just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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