Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
