Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
