I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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