You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
