Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
