Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
