i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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