Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
