I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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