i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
