im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
