Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
