peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Your penis caused this!
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