wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
