Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
