I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
