I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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