You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
