u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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