I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
