nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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