my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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