There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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